helen | you can’t sit with us, mommy edition
I have holiday hangover. If you are a Mom, or an over-achieving Dad, you probably do too. Christmas was a mere 3 months ago almost to the day from Easter this year. Christmas, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day and Easter. If you are feeling froggy, you could even count New Year’s Eve and Dyngus Day into the marathon of holidays. I am exhausted. Bless you if you also have birthday celebrations mixed in the past three months too!
Being a mom is cut throat competition these days. Forget the days when you can accidentally send your kid to school with no pants and not be judged. It would be a world crisis if you sent in birthday snacks that did not require a decorating kit from Ace of Cakes. And your child’s lunch better be filled with gluten-free, organic, vegan meals packed in only glass & stainless steel containers. I blame this all on PINTEREST. Remember when Pinterest came out and it was like the greatest thing anyone had ever seen? So THAT is how you get candle wax out of carpets! How about that one time you decided to make your own laundry detergent! And the recipe ideas. Lord. Have. Mercy. Then it started. It was bad enough that there was professionals that could make a holiday wreath for every occasion but suddenly it was like expected that everything you have is “homemade” via Pinterest link. If it is a holiday and you aren’t baking/crafting something every waking second with your children, you are a big fat failure. #pinterestfail #yousuckatlife
Birthdays. I have told you before how I feel about the Elf on the Shelf during Christmas time. Well we were enjoying a lovely day at the mall and what did I see… Birthday Elf on the Shelf. I walked into that Hallmark store and knocked that MoFo right on to the floor. I think I startled the cashier but damn, that felt good. So capitalizing the demon elf for Christmas wasn’t enough for Hallmark, they are now infringing on birthdays too? We already had to buy enough $14.99 singing cards from you. I think you better just back off, Hallmark. Thank you Jesus that my children didn’t see that Elf or that might take Mommy right over the holiday edge.
Valentine’s Day. When I was 5, I went to the Big M and got printed Valentines with She-Ra on them for a quarter and gave them to my whole class. I was a friggin’ hit. Here comes Miss Popularity. But not now. Nope. Not only do you have to whip out your cricut machine that laser cuts hearts out and sayings like “You Rock!” but you also have to attach a goodie. Like a pencil, sticker, or a $20 bill. No She-Ra for you.
St. Patrick’s Day. This year my sweet child came home and said “Do I get presents on St. Patrick’s Day”? I told her that being Irish was gift enough and one day she would appreciate her Irish “gift” of being able to hold her whiskey. While confused, she seemed happy with this response and told me that the leprechaun comes to her classmate’s houses. He runs through the house and messes things up, and tinkles green in the potty! Well slap my ass and call me Judy—how did I miss this tradition? And where is the handbook on these holiday requirements? I had to disappoint her again, tell her that the house is messy enough and the dog will tinkle on the bushes outside, does that count?
Easter. When did Easter become the new Christmas? We get Easter baskets filled with goodies and maybe a couple small gifts. I remember one year growing up I got a Sheryl Crow CD and that was it. And I was ecstatic. Now the “hidden” Easter eggs are filled with cash or more candy. I heard of some kids that were given trips to water parks as a gift, bikes or American Girl Dolls. I read an article that the average gift for Easter was $150 per kid. If you would like to let me know who you are, my kids are coming for Easter next year. Don’t forget you also must make cupcakes that look like bunnies. But those cupcakes have to be made with organic flour and no artificial food coloring. They should also match your hand painted table-cloth & napkin’s shaped like swans.
Thankfully the Easter Bunny brought mommy a few bottles of Chardonnay because quite frankly, she deserves it.
Miss Banana Boobs if ya nasty.