Funny Shit

helen | interior decorator

guest blogger | the life of helen banana boobs

First of all—thank you so much for loving Helen. Writing this blog has been a dream come true and I adore the feedback. Also, I am putting all proceeds aside to donate to a great charity. When I say charity, I am really just talking about my student loans. Seriously, you can donate at my GoFundMe page, it’s called “Please give me your hard-earned money to pay my student loans — where all I have to show for those four years is the capability to make a bong out of an apple, pics of me getting white girl wasted, memories of shitty boyfriend choices and a degree that doesn’t pay me enough to actually pay my student loans off.”

I asked what you wanted to hear from Helen. I heard some great things, one being the presidential candidates. Who wants to hear Helen’s views on that? Well, my very favorite and adorable real estate agent (whose home may or may not have been featured on the blog recently) asked what Helen’s opinions on bad decorating mistakes are. While I am sure she could drum up some great stories, I know she is way too classy to share that kind of info or opinions. Good thing Helen lacks a filter.

1. Live. Laugh. Love. If this is written anywhere in your house, please go throw this out immediately. I don’t disagree with the statement, it’s just over done. I assume anyone that has the three big L’s in their house, also have a “Always Kiss Me Goodnight” sign too. Perfect, I threw up in my mouth.

2. Do you love wild life? Yeah, I do too. I think there is nothing prettier than big, fuzzy lions. But mostly I look at them on the internet. Why would you put them framed on your wall? That’s not stylish. That’s crazy. While we are at it, I think it is a SIN to wear anything with a wolf on it. You are not a part of the pack.

3. Why do I always drive by people’s houses and instead of curtains they are hanging up their favorite Sponge Bob Square Pants blanket as their CURTAINS? I get that curtains are expensive but blinds are $3.96 at Walmart. If you have any bedding nailed into your walls at this point in your life, you need to talk to a professional. Professional Therapist. Get yourself a plan on being an adult.

4. You have a CD/DVD Rack in your living room. Like, do you watch these so often that you need to display them? This is not your college dorm room. Who are you trying to show off your collection of great DVD’s to? Get an armoire, put them away. Even better, get off your ass and stop watching so many movies.

5. I once had a former boyfriend who decorated his entire bathroom with Golden Retrievers. Like the shower curtain, toothbrush holder, the soap dispenser, e v e r y t h i n g. He didn’t even own a dog.
If your wallpaper is “original” to when you bought the house 15 years ago… you need to take it down. Do you have border up? Take it down. Are things “stenciled” on your walls? Paint over them. You make my eyes bleed.

6. Are you in your thirties and you have zebra print bedding? Or cheetah print? I bet you have red, satin sheets too. I hope you slide off those babies, hit your head, wake up and realize that adults don’t have bedding that looks like you bought it from Fredrick’s of Hollywood. Until then, we are going to assume your bed vibrates.

7. Camoflauge & Dead Deer Heads? I can’t even go there.

One last thought…

So this is the second blog I have written today. My first one was all about Beyonce and what a total a-hole I think she is. But angry and ranting about politics and racial tension is just not me. I think #blacklivesmatter but I also think #amishlivesmatter and #kittylivesmatter. I also think #policelivesmatter. Beyonce using her stardom & the NFL using the Super Bowl as a platform for that was disgusting. We should be moving forward together, promoting tolerance, not separating the races even further. So B & the NFL, you need a little love in your hearts, cause WE ALL FREAKING MATTER.

Love, Helen.

2 Comments

  1. tessa

    February 24, 2016 at 11:41 am

    This made me laugh! And I needed to laugh today…so thank you, thank you, thank you. I do like the saying of Live, Laugh, Love ….I have the word Laugh on my wall ONLY! I hope I don’t have to take it down? 🙂

    Happy Wednesday!

  2. Vickie

    February 27, 2016 at 8:59 pm

    I love this! You’ve made me laugh every blog you’ve written. I think you could write about dirt and get a laugh!
    I have a large multi picture frame that has “Live, Laugh, Love” on it, filled with pics of my sons and their family’s that was given to me for my birthday. It has to stay!
    Thank you for the gift certificate from Trend Addictions!

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