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helen | facebook, the spawn of satan

guest blogger | the life of helen banana boobs

Facebook is an incredible invention. For people like me, you wonder how did we exist before Mark Zuckerberg? It has completely changed the way people communicate, date and even make important decisions. It is also the most evil, time-sucking, depressing thing ever. Social media literally can make you feel like shit. It is a fact that seeing other people’s successes and happiness can lead to depression because your own life sucks. Studies even show that people hate to see happy couples on Facebook. It was a one person study, conducted by me, but I am fairly certain I am not the only one who gags every time you talk about how your new man is “the one”, your soul mate. And the last guy you dated was “the one”, and six months before that, you had also met “the one”. My friends and I now have affectionately dubbed you “the whore”. Even though I think telling 1,500 of your closest friends every time he buys you flowers is nauseating, I still feel a little sorry for myself that the most annoying girl from high school is happily married and I am in a serious relationship with Netflix.

I used to feel bad about “defriending” someone on Facebook, like they would be mad at me in real life. Well, now that every breathing person is on social media, I got over that REAL quick. Here is my criteria for being deleted:

1. If you invite me to play games multiple times per day, you are dunzo. Even I have a more exciting life than that and you should not be proud of being on level 134 in Candy Crush. You should be ashamed.

2. If you constantly discuss bodily fluids or functions. No! I do not care if you sneeze and you blow a snot rocket that looks like Muhammad Ali himself, do not dare talk about it or post it. Why don’t you ask my grandma why I defriended her. See ya later Grandma!

3. If you do not stop posting self-deprecating, whining crap because you want everyone to feel bad for you. No one feels bad for you, not even your mom. Get a dog, they make everyone happy.

4. When a celebrity dies and suddenly it is your own personal tragedy. I will never understand this. Yes, I shed a tear when Paul Walker died, but I did not get a tattoo of his sexy face across my lower back. What in the world is wrong with you?

5. If you constantly post memes, or graphics that include—“Repost this if you LOVE YOUR SON!”. Why doesn’t anyone ever post: “Repost this if you think your son is kind of an asshole”? Those are the people I want to be friends with.

6. Everyone is a salesman these days. In the last thirty days, I have been invited to EIGHT parties where a friend of mine has the next greatest shake/candle/mascara/workout/face cream/vibrator that you HAVE to try. Kudos for getting after that money, but if there isn’t wine at your party, I am definitely not coming.

7. The guy that brags about how successful he is or takes a bazillion pics of super exotic places. Yeah, you are super cool. Too bad everyone already knows what you are over compensating for. So there is that.

8. People that like every single thing you post, 35 seconds after you post it. Wait, maybe this isn’t a bad thing. It’s like having your very own fan club. A creepy fan club, but still.

Despite the negatives, there are things that social media is absolutely great for. I adore seeing pictures of my friends and family all over the country, their cute kids, and knowing what everyone is up to. While I don’t want to sit down and have a real conversation, I still really like to see what everyone is up to. I’ve always been terrible at minding my own business and this just makes it easier. Here are some of my favorite things about social media:

1. When someone finds their dog. Mostly so I don’t have to see any more posts about it, but I am still happy you are reunited with your little fella.

2. Facebook fights. OMG, the drama. It is like a train wreck that you literally cannot look away from. It also helps weed out your friends when you discover who the really dumb ones are.

3. Accidentally stumbling on your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend and seeing that the girl before you is a total butter face with 80’s hair.

4. Any videos of people falling down. Honestly, it’s concerning if you don’t find this to be one of the most hysterical things ever.

5. The Trend Addictions Black Friday Sale.

Off to waste time on social media.

Love,
Helen.

1 Comment

  1. Janie Warren

    November 10, 2015 at 9:18 am

    Enjoyable writing and humorously true! <3

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