helen | you are so annoying
Hope everyone has enjoyed their Labor Day weekend. Saying goodbye to summer is never easy, so hopefully this week you can start off with some laughs. Here are some of the annoying but funny things we have been laughing about lately…
1. People that are crappy tippers. If you tip less than 20% on your dinner bill, you are an asshole. It should be 18% at the very least. Many people will disagree with me on this, but you are still an asshole. Until you have lived in the shoes of a server or a bartender, you cannot fully understand this experience. Half of things that go wrong are usually not their fault and if they are — everyone makes mistakes. Don’t be a cheap skate, no one likes a cheap skate.
2. People that can’t spell. In this day and age (did I really just say that?), everyone is on Facebook, Twitter, Tinder, and every other social media outlet that you can plaster your opinions on. If you are so lazy that you can not take 2 extra minutes and make sure you don’t sound like a complete moron, you should stop using technology. This isn’t 1982, you don’t have to pull out your 16 pound dictionary. Get your shit together and use some spell check. If you misspell something on your Match.com profile, you will never get dates. Bad spellers = lonely future.
3. People that wear their pajamas in public. Stop it right now. What is wrong with you? Are you that lazy? We are not talking gym shorts, yoga pants, etc. We are talking Cookie Monster fleece jammie pants on a grown ass adult man. This is not okay. Life is not that tough, put some real pants on buddy.
4. People that have no sense of humor. Aka, all of my ex-boyfriends. Life is short, find something to laugh about. Watch some Saturday Night Live. Rent every single Will Ferrell movie. Except Anchorman 2, because that was just awful. Lighten up, have fun. If that doesn’t work, try drinking. Or at least get me a drink, and then I will find you funny.
5. People that don’t drink. I don’t trust you.
6. People that don’t love the Buffalo Bills. No, really, you actually irritate me. They are America’s team and if you don’t love the Bills, you are immediately dead to me. Over. Dunzo.
I am not kidding, this list is endless. But if I go any further, I might be the one annoying you. But that’s not my problem.