Funny Shit

helen | nobody got time for dat

guest blogger | the life of helen banana boobs

I feel like my life is flying by — especially when I drink too much and forget things, but I think that is a whole different issue. It was not long ago when I was in my twenties living a carefree life. Now I am ancient, with kids and bills. Being an adult is not always that fun. But there are great life lessons I have learned on the way so I am going to share some things that life is WAY too short for:

1. Thong Underwear. Don’t even begin to tell me that shit is comfortable. Just stop. It’s not comfortable. There is nothing nice about dental floss going up your butt, and it’s not sexy to watch anyone pull out wedgies all day either. When you have two pieces of twine tied together and you are calling them underwear, you might as well just not wear any. Helen is built for comfort and parachute panties that cover my butt cheeks.

2. Crappy Friends. I am so blessed with incredible friends both close by and far away, but it’s taken awhile to figure out who sucks and who doesn’t. Also, it takes a unique group of people to really tolerate some of my bull shit. One or two great friends is all you need and it is certainly better than a group of ten, dramatic, not-that-great, life-sucking friends.

3. Fighting with people on Facebook. While incredibly entertaining for the rest of us, there is a part of everyone that looks at you with a sad frown. Like, “we enjoyed your train wreck but we are so thankful we aren’t married to or related to you because that would be embarrassing.” Dirty laundry is meant for the washing machine, not the rest of freaking America. Take a deep breath and find something productive to do, like read this blog.

4. Grandma Boobs. Recently I saw a super cute, fashionable girl. Obviously someone who took the time to really work on her outfit, but she had saggy, grandma boobs. Your boobs make me sad. Speaking from experience with fun bags looking south — please go get an expensive bra and have a sales girl help you figure out how to use it. You clearly do not know how. If you are looking down at your chest right now and even wondering a little if you might have Grandma Boobs, don’t risk it, head out and get yourself a pick-me-up immediately.

5. Douche Baguettes. We aren’t talking about bread here, folks. This is the man in your life that you are dragging along behind you or even worse, the one that you are chasing like a puppy that doesn’t appreciate you. Open your eyes and realize your worth. Duh. There is a whole book about this called, “He Is Just Not That Into You” and if you can’t read, there is a movie too. For the love of everything holy, if you won’t do it for Helen, do it for yourself.

6. Cheap Bedding. Most of you reading this are adults. If you are an adult you have absolutely no reason to be buying cheap 200-thread count sheets and sleeping on a saggy mattress. Do you know that you spend a majority of your life in bed sleeping? Stop being such a cheap ass and buy a set of extremely luxurious sheets, a nice down comforter and spring for that pillow top mattress. Why? Because you are an effing adult and you should act like one.

I am sure I could go on all day about things that life is simply too short for but nobody got time for dat.

Love, Helen.

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