helen | the life of helen banana boobs
There is nothing in the world I love more than laughter. The kind that makes your sides hurt, tears run down your face, and sometimes makes you pee your pants, just a little. That’s why I am here, to make you smile, chuckle, or pee your pants. There is a chance I might offend you and there’s a pretty large chance that something you do offends me, but I won’t get mad at you. I will just turn it into a reason to laugh. Let’s be friends, just remember to take me with a grain of salt and occasionally a margarita. I am pretty funny when you are drunk.
People irritate me. A lot. But I do my best to find the humor in every situation. You should try it, because no one likes a miserable ass. Once a month I’m going to tell you a little about what really annoys me or the random dumb things that happen to me. Here’s 4 of them, so let’s get started:
1 | The friend whose breath smells like a cat pooped in their mouth.
How do you approach someone when they are extra funky? There is the sensible idea, like offering a mint or some gum. Of course, the smelly offender NEVER takes it. Then you move on to talk about flossing and brushing properly. At which point, you’d think someone would get the hint. Nope.
I think the best approach is to flat out tell them, “Excuse me, I am pretty sure you have a dead tooth.”
2 | When did camouflage clothing become such a fashion statement?
We are not talking the old school military camo here, I am talking the camo with branches and leaves. There are two instances where camo should be worn excessively: if you are in the military and when you are actually hunting prey. Not when you are at the bar, hunting for your next “old lady”.
God bless the woman that goes home with you.
Okay, so you have a sweatshirt or a hat that is camouflage. Maybe those are okay. I think it is all of the extra accessories that I find strange. Like a camo recliner? I hope you go to sit down and miss it entirely. Why? Because it’s hiding from you.
3 | People that back into parking spots.
Listen, buddy. You are not better than me just because you can put your car into reverse and do some fancy moves to wedge your gas guzzler into a tiny spot. I can barely get into a parking spot driving forward, let alone in reverse. Are you trying to make a quick getaway when you leave? You are not Batman. You have nowhere important to be. Pull into the spot like the rest of us. Show-off.
4 | A pet peeve.
I had a revelation one day talking to an old friend. Out of the blue he tells me, “I hate looking at pictures of other peoples’ pets.” I immediately thought, what a jerk. But wait a second. I hate looking at pictures of people’s animals too. Absolutely no one thinks your dog is as cute as you do. There is nothing worse than being sucked into a conversation about the cute things your dog does, or how you let him lick your face. What I really would like to tell you is that your dog is hideous and kind of resembles you. Instead, I just smile, with a dead look in my eyes, and pray for the conversation to end. My knowledge that no one cares about my pets has not stopped me from showing off my latest Insta pics of my ferret.
I truly hope you enjoyed our chat today. If you didn’t, you clearly are lacking a personality and that’s not my problem.